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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Ngongotaha Road. Best flat whites, no cap. I’m sippin’ my coffee, and boom! This dude spills his whole drink on me. Like, seriously? I’m now a walking coffee stain. I was mad, but then I saw his face. He looked like he’d seen a ghost. I couldn’t help but laugh.

350 homes, 470+ jobs: Fast-tracked development aims to ease city's dire shortage